Ever since we Welcomed our sweet little Lucas life has changed in our world quite a bit! I am having moments struggling to try and remember Beau in these baby stages and miss them so very much or is it all the crazy hormones still very much present in my body? Either way I have been on an emotional trip. We are all so very much in Love with him. Lucas is the perfect addition to our family, We are so very Blessed.
God chose him for us. We waited for him for a long time,We prayed every night that when the time was right God would send us another baby to bless our lives. Last year was hard for so many reasons and although I know I am still very much trying my best to heal from all of the pain of last year there is one pain I never really got to go through at all and that was the loss we suffered right before my brother passed. We were pregnant and expecting in December. We had just shared the news with my brother and his family that Beau was going to be a Big Brother... I will never ever forget how happy he seemed.
It was a perfect cool night in May we had them over for a Fire Pit and Smores. I told the kids we were going to play a game of telephone to pass the message along.Each one of them had a very happy reaction as they passed the message to the next but, the smile from my brother is one I will never forget and never want to. I can still see him when I look out our kitchen window smiling. He was so very happy for us, it was only four days later we found out we lost our baby at 11 weeks. So very sad but, trying to stay in the mind frame that it was not our time yet. Four days later we went to our family picnic, where I saw my brother for the first time since. He hugged me and whispered he was sorry. This would be the last time I would see my brother or hug him ever again. I can still feel that hug and remember how very strong it was. Just few weeks later my brother passed away and the pain of losing our baby got lost in tremendous grief.
Six months after my brothers passing we found out we were pregnant again and all of those untouched emotions resurfaced. I knew what this was. I felt very strongly that we were going to be alright. Allan and God chose this baby to bless our family. My whole pregnancy I grieved the loss of my last pregnancy while still feeling very happy in my heart. Nine months later we were Blessed with another Beautiful little boy! My heart is so full right now, I see so much of my brother in him. Sometimes I catch him looking up past me all smiles, I know in my heart Uncle Bill and Allan are his Guardian Angels watching over all of us. It feels so heavy at times experiencing these moments of Joy when really my heart is still very much in pain from last year.
My faith in God is still strong. How can it not be? My favorite season is here and just like last year I am going to embrace everything about it:) These past two months although have been so great with our new little guy, they have also been a true struggle for me. Finally starting to feel like me again. We have all done the adjusting, getting into grooves and falling more in Love with Our sweet little guy everyday! For all the loss we experienced last year this little boys birth has made me not question the Greatness of Our Lord but, embrace it more each day.
It has been two months of Joy and Sadness but, the Joy is in the lead and with a change of season I am ready just like last year to move past the pain. My two little boys need a Happy,Strong Mama:) and my Husband needs his Happy Wife back:)
