Having a heavy heart at Christmas is the worst:( there is nothing that can shake me out of this. I guess the feeling is right now that we will never be ok.never. I have been trying. really because, it is all I can do. My Christmas feel good list includes... watching Elf as much as possible, Christmas Songs whenever in the car, lighting my Christmas Candle, lights on all day long, remembering all of the Christmas's in past,baking goodies for neighbors and so much more. Wishing for the Whitest Christmas ever and hoping we all stay healthy! So, stress is high and Scott has been working a ton so we are just a little cray around here! Dreaming of a Vacation somewhere warm... Maui? ha.

He lives in his Polar Bear Jammie's, they keep him warm on Coldy Cold days 

Getting excited for all of his First's... and that warms my heart like a Snuggie pair of Polar Bear Jammie Jams! Stay tuned:)

Trying on a little MERRY

December. Can't slow it down now or make it go any faster... it is already going pretty fast. We had a really nice Thanksgiving surrounded  by Family, Love and too much Food! My brother was a Big part missing and it felt pretty bad. While being Thankful last month felt good, everyday without him feels like the biggest sting. I keep praying for his strength to lift me up:) Our computer took a hit and was down, Beau accidentally poked me in the eye and scratched my cornea :( so I was down. We somehow since last Christmas misplaced all of our stockings, hangers and a few ornaments, so no Allan on the mantle this year. Life keeps throwing the punches and somehow we all keep rolling with them. I knew Christmas this year would be hard last Christmas because, I knew Our sweet Uncle would not be here. Never would have imagined how hard it would be without my brother. I am trying to be strong for so many right now but, the truth is I am crumbling inside. This year is the first year that Beau actually gets it... I have to pretend to be happy at a time when I should be so HAPPY and although he will not remember any of this, I will forever carry this pain. Last Christmas Allan with the kids made each one of his sisters a Manger Scene, when I opened it I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling of being so LOVED he was so happy to give them to us and I couldn't wait to get it home and put it under our tree. It was his last gift to me and his gifts were something I always looked forward to.

 every year we will have him with us no matter what, he is here and in our hearts forever.
Trying to keep up the Merry Christmas act is hard, Beau is so excited! Today we took him to meet Santa so he could tell him what he wanted. We have been practicing for a while so, I was pretty sure that he would not disappoint only he did:( he was fine sitting on his lap #notears but, he just could not get the words out! So I was his mouthpiece "Santa, Beau would really love a RACE CAR this year"  Santa did not skip a beat he was on it! " Santa will make sure to tell the elves to get started on a Race Car!" a few high fives were exchanged along with a Hug and Santa handed him off to Mama. We were just about off the stage when Beau decided to tell Santa he wanted a RACE CAR!!! That a boy:) It was such a special moment.

Smile :)

distracting Santa

Thinking about telling Santa

Santa HIGH FIVER!

So here we go... there is still so much to do! Of course we have not shopped at all but, know everything we want to get so it should be pretty easy. Last year Scott and I made it a date night with a little dinner and drinks before, this year I think we will do it after! Trying my best to find the JOY and Keep prayer in my heart. This is going to be rough.