The thing about grief is... it really does take control over you. Every bit of you, your energy and love for life and things that once made you smile become things that once made you smile. All of these feelings that I have once felt 13 years ago when I lost my daughter Grace are now coming back with the sudden passing of my brother. It is not new for me. Those feelings were so intense that I didn't know if I would ever be able to laugh or smile ever again. Of course I did, time passed and I grew as a woman, I became who I am today. When I lost my daughter I was 25 and then a week later I turned 26. Not in a good place and really alone. Grief will sneak up on you when you least expect it. One moment you are cruising through the day with not a thought about it and BAM out of left field here it freaking comes. This is where I am at with losing my only Brother. There are temporary things that you can do to get you through this pain but, nothing will really ever make it go away.
This is where I am at with it all. I pray everyday for strength to help my family get through this. There are no real words of comfort ever. We lost someone who just brought so much to our lives. He was the best part of our family:) he was the best brother a sister could ever ask for. He was a Man of God and he loved his family. My heart is trying to forgive right now because, like many I can't understand why. With losing Grace I finally did find peace knowing that it was not my time to become a Mother. I prayed to God to bring a Man into my life who would be able to be there for me and give me the Love that I deserved and eventually a baby:) God took his sweet time but, my prayers were answered. I will continue to pray because we have 3 beautiful girls and one very smart young man to look after along with their Mama:) My brother would be so happy to know that his Love for us and for God is shining through and is all around our Family.
My Uncle passed just four months prior to Allan and although this was really painful, it was expected and we had time as a family to pray and be around him to tell him anything and everything we wanted to. It was his time and we knew that 6 years of fighting Cancer was long enough. That man fought with his heart and mind... he taught me how to be strong within. Allan was such a tender heart, he brought us all together as a family, when our Uncle was in Hospice...we sat for a week together by my Uncle's bedside telling stories and even laughing. This week keeps playing in my head. This week gave me time with my brother and his family.
Grief may take a hold of you in the moments that you never expect it but, the memories you have will shake you back to reality. My heart will continue to hurt forever without Allan. He is all around my home. I am going to do a Happy post about all of the beautiful things he has made for me over the years. It is going to take me a little bit to get it all together... pics ect.. and freaking grief will undoubtedly creep in so who knows when I will actually post it but, I know I will:)
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